An Ode to Brian E. Garcia

One of my greatest mentors died February 19th, 2021. It's taken me 4 years to work up the courage to write this. I hope it honors his legacy, even just a little.

Part of why it's taken me so long is because for some time I just couldn't bear to bring up the pain of Brian's death again. And part of it is because there just isn't any way that some words on a page or one post could ever do justice to how great of a man he was and how much he meant to me. There is so much more than this that I could write about him, but if this was any longer I'd have to put it into a book and I want people to be able to get to the end in one sitting. I accept this as sufficient for now.

My relationship with Brian started when I was living out of my car and interning at a recording studio in LA. He was a music producer who worked with some of rock and metal's greats, like King's X, as well as more pop artists like Avril Lavigne and Kelly Clarkson. ...That's the end of the name drops. Feels a little gross even mentioning those because it has next to nothing to do with my relationship to him or what really made him great. They are merely bobbles on the keychain of a Great Man.

I still remember the night we met. The owner of the studio where I was interning was involved in a church where Brian was the director of audio and they were having a production meeting at the studio. It was raining when we were all going to the parking lot to leave(well, them to leave, me to tuck in for the night lol), he was parked near enough to me that when he started his car, I could hear him blasting a song by Maylene and The Sons of Disaster. I loved that band and immediately ran over in the rain. He rolled down his window and I was like "You're into Maylene?? That's awesome! Those guys rip!". He laughed, he was the kind of guy that laughed a lot. I don't remember the rest of that encounter other than having a moment of "hell yeah brother".

A few days later he hit me up, said that he was impressed and excited at my dedication to be living out of my car to pursue music and that after praying about it, he wanted to offer his guest room to me for $500/month. I couldn't believe it. Not only was the room dirt cheap, but I would be living with a decorated and established music producer. I moved in and lived with him for 3 years, 2012-2015. Our friendship went way beyond that, even after I left the music industry to work as a software engineer. He was a mentor, brother and friend to me from the day we met until he died February 19th 2021 at 51 years old.

The last time I saw Brian was in December of 2020, the last time I talked to him was in January of 2021. Just one of many check-in conversations seeing how each other were doing and what was going on in our lives. Then I got a voicemail a little more than a month later from his father-in-law that Brian had passed that morning. Brian's wife, Rachel, had told her father that I meant a lot to Brian and that I should be one of the first to know.

I couldn't believe it. Brian? Was he talking about Brian Garcia? He must be talking about another Brian, is there another Brian? I had just talked to him. He had just got married 8 months previously. This can't be real...

I was totally blindsided. I called his father-in-law back immediately upon hearing the message and asked what was going on. He said Brian had got covid and in a matter of a few weeks had died in the hospital.

I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. Brian was the archetype of strength and resilience in my eyes. He was a stone that could not be moved. Brian would always find a way to pull through, he always had. I also couldn't believe that I didn't know that he was in the hospital fighting for his life. I don't remember all the details, but from what I remember essentially it just all happened too fast for anyone to think or react. At first they thought he would pull through, not too big of a deal, but things turned bad suddenly and very quickly they ended up putting him on a respirator, quarantined him in a room where none of his friends or family could be with him and he died. He couldn't talk because of the respirator and if I remember right he was unconscious for the last couple days of his life. All his family that was there could do was talk into a mic that went into the room where he was. Before anyone could really react, he was gone.

Brian was an incredibly social person, an absolute extrovert. The vibrancy of life was in relationship for him, was being with people and especially people he loved, that was his life-blood. The way that doctors were forced to deal with that sickness was to take all of that away from him, was to take what gave life meaning from him. It kills me that on his death bed, nobody was allowed to be with him, that he couldn’t speak. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for him, how cruel of a way for him to die. To not be able to speak to those he loved before he was gone. He was a talker, that's how he connected and loved. He was precise and creative with his language and I'm sure would have had much to say to his loved ones before going. I felt like it just wasn't the way he was supposed to go.

For me personally it was devastating. How he died seemed so wrong and out of place. It wrenched my heart that I wasn't there to support him and help him fight his last battle. We were brothers, I should've been there, I wanted to be there. It tore me apart that I didn't get the chance to tell him how much he meant to me and how much I appreciated what he had done for me. How he had changed the directory of my life in such a positive way and enabled me to be able to pursue my dreams in the music industry. How his love for me affected my heart, how I saw masculinity, what real friendship was, what brotherly love looked like and how to practice it between two heterosexual men. He showed me what it meant to be a man of principle in an industry rife with unprincipled actions and people, how to be loyal to your family, the list goes on.

When I didn't know how to love me, when I didn't see my value or thought I was trash, he was there for me, speaking in truth the value I bring, loving me when I thought I was unworthy of love. He showed me how to love myself through how he loved me. He showed me how to support myself through how he supported me. He understood me, like really understood me. In the way that only a very few people will in anyone's life. I doubt I will ever have a relationship like that with someone ever again.

During our relationship I had told him how grateful I was for what he had done for me and the ways in which he had impacted me. So he knew to an extent. But still, there were other things I would have said and I've learned through other friend's deaths that getting that last chance means a lot.

Brian was my first mentor in adulthood, through my twenties and into my thirties. He was also my mentor into the music industry. He was an example of what healthy masculinity looked like. He was loyal. He believed in me like no one else I have ever known. He taught me how to be an artist and how to get to know my artistic taste, how to develop that relationship.

He was way above me in terms of credits on his resume, what he had accomplished and the life experience he had accrued. Yet he was always asking for my opinion on things. His respect of my opinion helped me respect it. He reveled in my triumphs as much or even more than me and he helped me pick myself up after my failures.

He always wanted the best for me, and trusted me to figure out for myself both what that was and how to get there. Even if he thought I was making a mistake, there was no judgement, just genuine care and respect. He wouldn't give his opinion unless I asked for it, and if I did and if he thought I was making a mistake he would tell me straight out, "I think this is a bad idea" (and tell me why), and then would say "but I know you're a good man and that you'll figure it out, one way or another, and I want to be your friend through it all. The last thing I would ever do is gloat over being right if this turns out poorly, and I would be overjoyed to be wrong". He was there for me through two of my most impactful and difficult romantic relationships. I went to him when everything felt wrong, fell apart and was in chaos. At my weakest points, it never affected how he viewed me. Somehow he always understood what I felt and was going through, and believed I would come out on top, stronger than before.

He was proud of me. Somehow he was always proud of me. He introduced me to tons of his friends and influential people in the music industry. He wanted everyone to know me and would always talk me up, with truth about how highly he thought of me. He wanted to see me succeed at least as much as I did. It never felt phony or put on, he wasn't that type of guy in any arena. Honesty and forthrightness were of paramount importance to him. He was a man of principle. He loved art, both admiring it and creating it. He loved his artistic sense and loved exploring and understanding other's artistic sense just as much.

I remember so many late nights of us both working on our respective projects at the house, it'd be 2 or 3 in the morning and he would pop into my room and say "tacos?" and we'd jump into his car, blast some metal and go get ourselves a mountain of tacos from jack in the box haha. 6 tacos, no lettuce(so they'd have to make them fresh), 3 ranch, egg rolls and a diet coke.

Brian was one of the most unique, artistic and hilarious people I've ever known. He invented his own vocabulary that his friends had named "Garcian". The English language couldn't contain the artist in him nor the comedian, he had to invent new words and phrases that he would sprinkle into conversations. Some of it only him and his friends knew the meaning of or could decipher the meaning of. He was the type of guy that when he found a pair of shoes he liked, he would buy 6 pairs so that when a pair wore out, he wouldn't have to get a new kind if they were discontinued, lol.

He was curious about everything, interested in just about anything you were interested in. Always asking interesting questions because he was genuinely curious. He was also a man who knew who he was and was not ashamed of it. He was proud of who he was and what made him unique.

Above everything else, Brian taught me to value my word and to honor it. That being a man of integrity is of the utmost importance. I fail at this more frequently than I'd like to admit, but I strive for it. As I strive to be a rock for other's to lean on too. I hope I can honor his legacy of strength, love, loyalty and curiosity.

Brian, I miss you man. I wish you were here to see my successes, to show you proof that I was worthy of your belief in me. Even though I know the love you showed me and the man you saw in me had little to do with that. I wish I could feel your pride again and that we could celebrate each other's wins together.

I’m stronger now, but still I wish you were here for me to lean on when I struggle to hold myself up. I wish I could get your advice on so many things. I wish I could continue to learn from you. I wish we were getting old together and that I could know your kids and you could know mine.

But most of all, I want you to know my gratitude. Thank you for going through everything you did to become the man you were. Thank you for loving and supporting me. Thank you for all you taught me. Thank you for being my friend and showing me the way as best you knew how. Thank you for showing me healthy pride and humility.

In my eyes you are one of the truly Great Men of History. I love you and think about you all the time. I hope I can honor all you poured into me, carry the torch of greatness and pass it on to others as you did. I anxiously look forward to seeing you when my journey here concludes. Let's go for a ride and get some tacos eh? I might miss that the most.

Our last photo together, at his wedding in June 2020.

I don't hold it against myself that I wasn't there at the end, even if I wish I was, nor do I hold it against God for how he died or not doing what I think would have been best. Life and death are so unpredictable and not in any one of our control in the end. It was his time to go and I'm endlessly grateful for the ways that I got to experience him. His was a life well-lived, full of triumphs, failures, order and chaos. He was an artist in everything and most of all, he was a Great Man.

Grief isn't a one time event. We carry it with us because it has deep meaning. Maybe deeper meaning than any other human experience. Love your grief as you let it propel you to honor it and those you have loved and been loved by. Honor it by loving those that are still here. And be strong, as those that have gone before us were strong. There is life to live, so let's live it. As my friend Parker used to say and I'm sure Brian would agree, "Head up, Shoulders back, Heart forward".